Remember how I was talking about triggers not so long ago? Well, sometimes you know when to expect them. Sometimes, you know they’re coming, even days in advance. It doesn’t do much to diminish them, but at least you’re prepared.
I knew going to the gynecologist would be a trigger. I haven’t been to one since my postpartum check-up. I also knew it would be difficult because I wouldn’t have Geordie to be physically there to support me. No one there would know about Lauren until I told them – and I would tell them, the paperwork requires that, but I knew I would speak of her. I just wasn’t sure how well I would be able to handle it.
I knew there would be tears, and there were. But overall, it was a good experience. I managed to hold it all together until I was changing from my clothes to the gown, and as soon as the doctor walked in and introduced himself, I knew the restraint wouldn’t last.
The first thing I said to him was, “I want to warn you that this is probably going to be a little emotional for me.” As soon as I said it, the control slipped away from me, and the tears started, and I quickly explained the circumstances of my last doctor’s visit. He very kindly offered me tissues and condolences and encouraged me to tell him about it, which is really what I needed.
He was a very kind doctor, and he listened to my jumbly rambling and didn’t rush me along. It was a quick examination, just long enough to get a Pap smear and to check that everything was okay (and it was). I told him that we were hoping to try again this year, and he said he saw no reason not to and wished us luck.
And that’s that. A very small thing to be so anxious about, but I accept that it was a normal reaction. I wasn’t really worried about anything being wrong, it was just the stress of not really knowing what to expect and dealing with flashbacks of my last experience with this kind of thing. Now that it’s over, I think it’ll be much easier the next time around.
Of course, next time around, we’re hoping it’ll be to confirm a pregnancy, and that will be a whole other set of emotions to deal with.
March is definitely the starting line now. We don’t have any expectations of being successful the first time around, so we don’t want to delay any more than we have to. Three months will give us time to get ourselves a little healthier, a little more mentally prepared, and also to deal with some things that need doing around the house. Like painting the hot pink bedroom that will be the nursery.
Three months seems like such a long time.
And also such a short amount of time. It’s a little bit terrifying.
But mostly wonderful.