I’ve spilled the beans about our rainbow baby at six weeks. I realize that most people wait to announce their pregnancies. Sometimes they wait until they have a sonogram to share. Sometimes they wait until they hear a heartbeat. Sometimes they wait until the end of the first trimester. Sometimes they wait for a “safe point.”
I didn’t want to wait, and I can give you two reasons why.
First, I don’t believe in a “safe point” anymore. Not in pregnancy, not in life. I have read the stories of so many of the babylost, and it’s taught me that it can happen at any time. One moment, all is well; the next, the world crashes down. Without much trouble, I’m sure I could find a woman who has lost a baby at any point in her pregnancy, from week 4 to week 42. And even after. Life is so fragile, it should be celebrated while it can be celebrated.
Second, I can’t maintain baby silence on this blog. We’ve known for a little over two weeks now, and it’s been driving me a little bonkers not talking about it here. This is where I vent my fears and my frustrations, where I share my hopes and dreams, where I talk out my grief so that I might stay sane amid all the deep blues and grays of my emotions. This baby – no matter how long it decides to stay – is a part of that. It’s part of the healing process. It’s also a trigger, though it’s the best kind of trigger, one of hope instead of despair.
Also, this blog is mostly about my day-to-day life. Being pregnant is too. It’s hard to think about anything but being pregnant. I don’t like the idea of censoring myself on my own blog, so I knew it would only be a matter of time before I blurted it out or dropped too many subtle hints. I have always wanted this blog to be as honest as possible; it is always what I have wanted from my writing. I don’t see much point in writing if you’re not going to be telling some kind of truth.
Ah, and I can think of a third reason: I need all the positive thoughts I can get.
Geordie and I have an amazing network of support, both in real life and online. These are people who have done their best to lift us above our grief, who at the same time know Lauren’s story and do not diminish it. I am so grateful for these people – for you readers, who read my words and know that Lauren lived and was loved, who have sent us thoughts and prayers, both for her and for the baby now growing inside me. Every little bit helps, and I am so grateful for it all.
I don’t know what the next nine months will bring. Right now, I’m still in disbelief – even though there are certainly enough symptoms to convince me that it’s true! I’m fairly certain panic, doubt, and anxiety will all be visiting in due time. So will utter amazement, sheer joy, and that most elusive feeling of all: hope.
We want so much to bring this baby home. It is, for the most part, all I can think about, but I still haven’t quite managed to convince myself that it’s true. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to, not until this baby is in my arms, happy and healthy and screaming like a banshee if necessary.
I can’t predict how this pregnancy is going to go, and I can’t predict how stable my emotions are going to be. All I know is that this space, this blog, is my outlet, and I need that. If things get crazy, just bear with me. I’m just working things out. Because once all the negative is gone, I can focus on the positive.
Today, I am pregnant. Right now, that’s all that matters.