I’ve been blogging off and on since 2003, when I was a mere chit of a girl about to enter her final year of college. I’ve been a writer since I was a child, but journaling and blogging have always been haphazard pastimes for me. I posted mostly rants and vents, airing out my problems and being of not much interest to anybody. But blogging got me through the disagreements with my roommates, the stress of becoming an “adult,” the difficulties I had finding steady work, and the heartbreak of a failed first love. It also provided me an outlet for sharing the wonderful things I discovered about myself. When I moved to Japan, it became a way for me to share my adventures with friends and family back in the States.
In Japan, I met the man who would become my husband. In October of 2011, we anticipated the birth of our daughter. Two weeks before her due date, Lauren Joy was stillborn, and it has been the most devastating loss I have ever experienced. Only hours after her delivery, I knew that I would write about her. I had to write about her – she was too wonderful and loved to be forgotten. This blog is dedicated to her memory, to the pregnancy that I took for granted and to the mourning that our family will do for a long time to come. My husband and I still hope to have a child in the future, but for now, I have this blog to help me with the healing process. It will be a painful process but one that I feel I must endure.
This blog is a work in progress. I’m not only chronicling the grieving and healing period, I’m going back in time and commemorating my pregnancy. It was something I wanted to do all this year, but so much kept me from writing regularly and finishing what posts I did start. I’m fixing that now. Just as I don’t want Lauren forgotten, I don’t want what precious memories I have of her to slip away. I carried her for 38 weeks; I knew her as no one else could. I want to share that; I want to share her.