Saturday
Buffalo Turkey Burgers (from Taste of Home Comfort Food Diet Cookbook), sweet potato fries, and carrots

I am a sucker for anything with buffalo sauce. (The recipe actually called for “Louisiana hot sauce,” which I’m not convinced is the same thing as buffalo sauce, so I used Frank’s.) The ground turkey is mixed up with some sauce and spices, and the recipe had celery as a burger topping, which I thought was a little weird. Also, I hate celery, so it was definitely out. And I made my burgers on the small side, so they’re a little sad-looking. I wish they tasted better, but I actually think that has to do with the current state of my tastes than the recipe itself. This had way too much cumin in it. Geordie thought they were fine, so maybe I’m just sensitive to cumin right now? I’d make these again, but I’d cut way back on the cumin. And add a little more sauce. The recipe suggested 1 tablespoon of sauce to be divided among 4 hamburger buns. I’m pretty sure we used about a tablespoon each. It’s an okay recipe, but it really needs some adjusting.

Sunday
Bacon Mac & Cheese (from Food Network Magazine) and corn

Definitely not healthy, but it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted some comfort food. A little complicated, because it was all made from scratch (well, except for the pasta). Good mac and cheese has to start with a good homemade cheese sauce. There’s no getting around it. It’s totally worth it. Not something I’d make often, but definitely a nice treat every once in a while. Like, maybe once a month. If that. But, oh, it’s so good.

Monday
Tomato, Basil, and Three Cheese Ravioli with bolognese sauce and salad

I did not make this ravioli. I do not usually buy prepackaged ravioli from the store – for so many reasons. Our local grocery store, however, carries its own brand of all-natural ravioli, which also eschews the use of added colors and preservatives. There’s nothing on the ingredient list that doesn’t belong there. Including onions! So, I’m cool with it. The sauce was leftover from my homemade batch last week, so that’s something. This was a great meal to have on Monday, a day which is usually a tiring one for me. The salad took longer to put together than the pasts dish. The salad, by the way, was pretty blah. Salads really aren’t my thing. The homemade croutons were a nice touch, but still. It’s just lettuce and carrots. At least the raspberry-balsamic vinegar was awesome.

Tuesday
Hamburgers with sweet potato fries

Pretty standard stuff here. Nothing I haven’t done before. I used frozen sweet potato fries because I didn’t feel like messing with sweet potatoes, and I still haven’t perfected the crispiness of homemade fries. This was just a nice, filling dinner that took no time at all, and I really don’t have anything bad to say about it.

Thursday
Grits with Avocado, Cheese, and Bacon

Um, I seem to have forgotten to get a picture of this. But,  that’s okay. It was just grits, with some cheese, avocado, and bacon. And a little chipotle chili powder. Nothing very exciting. But it was easy to make, very fast to put together, and hit my comfort food craving right on the nose. Mmm, grits.

Friday
Toasted Fruity Israeli Couscous (from Five Ingredient Fix) and corn

I really wish I liked this book better than I actually do. Some of the recipes in it are really fantastic, and others are just . . . well, a little on the dull side. This is one that I had marked for making, and I made it this week because it sounded pretty simple to do. And it was. The couscous is toasted along with some pistachios, then you just add water and cook the couscous as you normally would. Toasting it first really does bring out a nice level of flavor. After cooking, I threw in some chopped dried apricots and some golden raisins, along with some shredded chicken. Before serving, it got a splash of blood orange olive oil (which I had also used to cook the chicken in), which added an extra zing of fruitiness. This was a pretty decent dish and took very little in the way of effort. And that’s the nice thing about the recipes in this book: when they work, they really do work.

For Doristas, it meant that this week’s assignment was an open-ended one. We were allowed to select whatever recipe we wished to make. All that was asked of us was that we “cook it, share it.” A wonderful idea, really, because one of the best parts of making anything homemade – bread, dessert, entree, whatever – is being able to share it with others. Most of what I make tends to only be shared with Geordie, but that’s where blogging about French Fridays comes in: I’m able to share it with anyone who stumbles across the post!

I’ve missed the last two Fridays in blogging only. I made the dishes, I just haven’t gotten around to writing about them yet. Still working on that. But this one I didn’t want to slip to the wayside. I knew straightaway that I was going to make a dessert of some kind, because desserts are so easy for Geordie to take the work, making them quite shareable, and one of the most shareable desserts I know of are cookies!

Specifically, cocoa sablés.

Remember the olive sablés we made a couple months ago? Well, these are a more traditional sablé, still with the sandy texture but this time flavored with dark cocoa. They’re not overly sweet, but they are a little decadent and I bet they would be delicious served as ice cream sandwiches (as Dorie herself suggests). They are also easy to make, and as I got about 40 from my batch, there are plenty of them for sharing!

I’m afraid I didn’t take many pictures of the process, but it really wasn’t necessary. This is cookie-making at its most basic – and, in my opinion, good cookies are almost always simple and basic.

Butter and sugar are creamed together. Vanilla is added. In goes a mixture of flour, cocoa, and salt. I decided to add in the optional chopped chocolate bits. And thus, the mixing is done. It took me longer to chop the chocolate than it did to mix all the ingredients together.

But now we must wait. The dough is divided into two parts, and each part is rolled into a log and wrapped in plastic. They must sit in the fridge for three hours, thus delaying our chocolate fix.

But that’s okay! My logs went into the fridge around 3:30; by the time dinner was over at 7, they were more than ready to be sliced and baked. After 15 minutes, Geordie and I had a lovely, chocolaty after-dinner treat.

These sablés are very rich. They go down much easier with some milk! As Geordie said, they’re terrific as a dessert – as a slightly sweet closing to a meal – but maybe a little jarring as a snack. As a cookie, I really enjoyed both making them and eating them. I intend to try the basic butter sablé in the near future, because I am finding that I really, really like sablés. I’m pretty sure they’re now my favorite cookies.

Geordie took most of the cocoa sablés to work today – and brought home zero. Yay! Success!

As I said, most of what I make is shared only with Geordie, and that is especially true with the French Friday assignments. It was really nice to send him off to work with these beautiful, delicious cookies. Homemade cookies were made for sharing!

I hope to be able to be a little more involved with the Food Revolution next year. Right now, I’m still not feeling up to cooking as much as I was before. I do what I can, but often, I’m either too tired or just not interested in what I had planned to cook. Raw vegetables still make me queasy. Once they’re cooked, I’m fine! But I have to get them cooked first. I’m hoping I get over that soon.

Anyway, this week’s FFwD assignment was a lot of fun, and because we got to choose our recipes, the Doristas went all out and picked some really good ones! Check out the links to hear their stories and see their delicious dishes.

Happy cooking!

 
Sunday
Tacos! (made with homemade taco seasoning from Brown Eyed Baker)

One of the best things about making tacos is that you don’t actually have to do much cooking. I’m not sure if there’s any cooking technique easier than browning meat (well, cooking pasta, maybe). All the other prep can be done while the meat is absorbing the taco seasoning and water after browning. Geordie made himself a nice soft taco, while I opted for the taco salad route. Not exactly authentic Mexican cooking (it was Cinco de Mayo, after all), but it was tasty enough, and very easy to make!

 
Monday
Tofu Steaks (from La Fuji Mama), Edamame, and Gyouza

Sadly, storebought gyouza. I would love, someday, to make homemade gyouza, but that’s not something I’m willing to tackle right now. What I needed on Monday was a quick, easy meal, and this worked. The gyouza just needed to be warmed up, the edamame (frozen in the bag) spent just a few minutes in the microwave, and the tofu was pan-fried in sesame oil for about fifteen minutes. No recipe (though La Fuji Mama does provide one, but it’s more technique than recipe), and it all comes together in about 30 minutes. Perfect. And with enough edamame left over for lunch the next day. We ate our tofu with ponzu sauce, but anything would be acceptable. Another easy to adapt recipe.

 
Wednesday
Oven-Fried Chicken (from Calorie Countdown Cookbook) and Sweet Potato & Carrot Mash

Another very quick, very easy meal. I love cooking chicken this way: marinate in buttermilk, coat in seasoned panko, set over a rack on a baking sheet, and bake. Simple, flavorful, and so juicy.It’s intended as a base for a healthier chicken parmesan meal, but the truth is that it’s a good base for anything that involves pan-fried chicken. We ate ours with BBQ sauce, but any sauce would work really. I used thin chicken breasts to cut down on the cooking time, so this is another dish that can be brought together in about twenty minutes, give or take. The potato-carrot mash took longer, but most of the work in that is all the chopping involved!

 
Thursday
Spaghetti (with homemade sauce) and Salad

When I was deciding on meals this week, I gravitated toward dishes I can make without recipes. I have been making the base for this pasta sauce for almost a decade now, and it’s just something I can throw together from the top of my head. It’s all about personal taste. Not enough sugar? Add a little more. Needs some more salt? Okay. More herbs? Yup. A little red wine? Sure thing. It’s incredibly adaptable. For this one, I added mushrooms and ground beef for more heartiness. In truth, this isn’t a fast meal – good pasta sauce needs a couple hours to develop flavor, and this one usually simmers for 2-3 before it’s ready. But it’s not work-intensive, and the extra sauce freezes terrifically. So, no complaints here. It went very nicely with the whole wheat pasta, and though I wasn’t impressed with the Romaine salad, I was glad I’d made it. The homemade croutons were the best part though!

I held off on buying any vitamins until after we saw Dr. Shoji, mainly because I didn’t really have any idea what to look for, and we’d hoped that he would steer us in the right direction. When I asked him about vitamins I should take, he shrugged and said, “They’re not necessary. If you’re eating a healthy diet, you and baby are getting everything you need.”

His extremely relaxed response surprised me, considering how adamant all the American literature had been about it. But vitamins were clearly not at the main front of Japanese prenatal care. After the appointment, Geordie and I went to a drugstore, just to see what kind of vitamin options there were. We found nothing marketed especially for pregnant women, nothing in the way of “prenatal care.” When Geordie asked one of the employees about it, she pointed out the folic acid supplements but explained that there were no specific vitamins for pregnant women. We ended up getting a general women’s vitamin that had folic acid in it. Later in the pregnancy, I switched to one that had a high amount of DHA, the better for baby’s brain development. None of the doctors I saw in Japan ever asked me about the vitamins or supplements I was taking.

Fast forward to now. One of the first questions the midwife asked me at my first prenatal appointment was what vitamins and supplements I was taking. I was not surprised by the question, but I was a little taken aback by how insistent she was about what I was taking.

I’d started taking prenatal vitamins in late December, once we’d decided that we’d be trying for a baby in the spring. I wasn’t convinced of the necessity,but I figured it wouldn’t hurt. By the time I got the positive pregnancy test, the bottle was nearly empty, and I’d found that the vitamins were contributing to my nausea – supposedly because of the iron. I switched to a gummy vitamin that did not contain iron, along with a calcium supplement since the gummies didn’t have that either.

The midwife didn’t seem overly impressed with my choices. She suggested I look into an iron supplement. She suggested what type of calcium supplement I should take. She suggested a “plant-based” vitamin. She was adamant that, no matter what I took, I should be sure it had the full amount of folic acid.

We talked more about vitamins and supplements than we did about actual nutrition through diet.

I found it mildly irritating.

One of the things the head midwife mentioned at the open house was that they tried to reserve medicine as a last resort. Geordie kind of rolled his eyes at the mention of homeopathic treatments, but I figured that would be standard procedure for an establishment that focused on natural pregnancy and childbirth. Not that I’m into homeopathy, but I’m not in the habit of automatically reaching for pills when I’m not well. I’ve never been that bad off, fortunately.

Even though I do take my prenatal vitamins, I’m not convinced that they’re necessary. Well, maybe right now, while my stomach deals with all of these hormones and aversions and cravings – but I intend to eat as balanced and healthy a diet as I can. Not just during this pregnancy, but indefinitely. I don’t want to be reliant on vitamins for my nutrition. If I find myself needing more iron in my diet, I don’t want a supplement to be my crutch – I know what foods to reach for when I need iron. I want to put my trust in natural foods. I still believe what Dr. Shoji said: baby will get everything it needs from a healthy, natural diet.

Reading through American pregnancy books during my last pregnancy, I often felt that they were trying to convince me that babies aren’t born healthy on their own, that they need medical care, doctors, and vitamins to make it through their ten months in the uterus. Everything seems to offer assurance: follow these rules, and baby will be healthy. What can go wrong?

Well, we know how I feel about that. I took the vitamins, I had regular prenatal care, I carefully watched what I ate to make sure I wasn’t ingesting anything “dangerous,” I took the best care of myself and was blessed enough to have a partner who did his best to make sure that I did just that. None of it kept my daughter from dying. I don’t think any of it caused Lauren to die either, but the truth is that perfect prenatal care isn’t a guarantee.

The truth is that even the perfect pregnancy can end in heartbreak.

I’m not looking for the perfect pregnancy. I’m looking to keep my baby healthy, to bring home a happy child, a living child. Much of it is out of my hands – this early in the pregnancy, anything can happen, and there’s not much I can do to stop it. I know that. I’ll keep doing my best. But I’m not going to delude myself into believing that following all the rules will lead to a happy ending.

So, this is what I will do: I will live as healthy a lifestyle as I can. I will eat unprocessed foods as often as I can, I will eat as healthy as possible. I will take my vitamins in moderation. I will not obsess. I will follow my instincts. I will listen to advice and do what I feel I need to do. I will not follow blindly, nor will I take anything for granted. I will not believe in guarantees.

I will take care of myself and our baby as best I can. That is what I have control over. I’ll take that.

Last week, I also had my first prenatal appointment and first ultrasound! The appointment with the midwives was pretty standard – a lot of talking, a lot of making sure all is healthy and good, a lot of blood-taking. The ultrasound appointment was shorter but perhaps more exciting. I can’t begin to express the relief we felt at seeing that little heartbeat. Baby is developing nicely at the moment, right on schedule. The official Estimated Due Date is December 8, which is about what I figured.

Other than that, I haven’t got much else to post at the moment. I have a couple posts from last week (namely the FFwD post for Friday) that I want to get written and posted. But that’s about it. I am starting to feel a little less yucky, but my appetite is still a bit wonked out, so I’ve been trying to stick to simple foods. And easy meals! This week’s meals don’t involve much in the way of recipes, and most of them are simple techniques I’ve done lots of times before and aren’t overly complicated. We’ll see how that works out.

Mostly, for now, I’m just trying to get back in the groove of writing. Taking a week off might be nice, but it’s not always easy getting back on track. I figure writing a little bit is better than continuing to write nothing at all! I actually have quite a few things I want to write about, it’s just getting my thoughts organized and written that’s the hard part. My stomach may be feeling better, but I still feel a little discombobulated in the head. Also, tired. Napping is pretty much a daily thing for me right now.

Anyway. That’s all for today!

Nine weeks down, thirty-one weeks to go!

Monday
Spinach and Ricotta Pizza (from Cooking Season by Season)

My mother-in-law maintains a mostly vegetarian/vegan diet, so I tried to plan meals for the week accordingly (even though I didn’t actually use most of them, ah well). This one was extremely easy to throw together, especially since I already had the pizza dough defrosted and ready to go. Making the spinach was a bit of work, but it was worth it. The pizza isn’t very filling by itself, but my mother-in-law whipped up some guacamole and then sauteed some asparagus I had sitting in the fridge, and that rounded out the meal nicely.

Friday
Creamy Mushrooms and Eggs (from Around My French Table)

This was the week’s French Friday recipe, which I did not actually get around to making until Friday. I’m sure I will eventually get around to writing a post about it. In the meantime, I assure you that it was tasty. Certainly better than I thought it would be – and I had thought it would be pretty good anyway. Mushrooms are sauteed and then doused in cream. Lightly toasted brioche is placed on a plate and topped with scrambled eggs. (The original recipe called for poached eggs, which is how I prefer my eggs to be cooked. But, as we ended up using non-pasteurized eggs, we opted for scrambled. Not something I usually worry about, but no sense taking chances right now.) The creamed mushrooms are then spooned over the eggs, and that is that. A simple but delicious and irresistibly elegant meal. I could see us doing this for brunch on the weekends in the future. We both enjoyed it a great deal.

Saturday
Blueberry Cream Pie (from A Cozy Kitchen)

The 4th was Kentucky Derby day, one of my favorite days of the year. I had intended to make a Kentucky Hot Brown Tart (because hot browns are the best thing ever, but they definitely aren’t healthy!), but we had such a large lunch that none of us felt like eating much for dinner. So I made a pie instead. After all, I had the crust defrosted, I needed to do something with it! This is a simple pie that doesn’t require much effort. It just involves waiting. It’s a cold pie, so the crust needs to be pre-baked and then cooled completely. Then the filling is made and put in the crust, and that needs to chill. But once it’s done, it’s very tasty. It has lots of cream (heavy cream and cream cheese) but only three tablespoons of sugar, so it’s not overly sweet. Not exactly traditional for Derby Day but it turned out rather well.

Sunday
Creamy Crockpot Chicken Pasta (from Momma Hen’s Kitchen) and Spinach Salad with Balsamic Vinegar

Anything made in the crockpot is going to be a winner for me right now. This was incredibly easy to do. The only real problem with it is that it really needs some veggies. We settled on a spinach salad, but we agreed that some real mushrooms would have been great added to the chicken (the recipe calls for a can of cream of mushroom soup, and I’d hardly call those real mushrooms). Geordie also thought some asparagus would be good, and I think that would certainly be interesting to try. Instead of Cajun seasoning, I used some cayenne and paprika for the seasoning, and that was fine. I’d make this again, with a few adjustments. It seems to me that it would be very kid-friendly and good for a comfort-food dinner on a cool evening.

Monday
Pearl Couscous Salad with Chickpeas & Artichokes (from EatingWell Serves Two)

I was not excited about eating this, but I figured I should. I ended up making some changes – for starters, it was supposed to be an orzo salad, but I already had pearl couscous in the pantry, so I wanted to use that rather than buying something new. Instead of flavoring the salad with dill and mint, I used a little cumin and some za’atar, which were way more complementary, in my opinion. I also added more than the suggested teaspoon of oil and a little more lemon juice. This was incredibly dry without it. Ultimately, we both liked it, but I really could have done without the chickpeas. Normally, I love chickpeas, but they did not go very well in this salad. I wouldn’t mind making this again in the summer – it was served room temp and would be good a little chilled – but I’ll use a different protein. Tofu, I think, would be pretty good.

Tuesday
Old-Time Buttermilk Pie (from Taste of Home)

Okay, that’s not what we had for dinner. But it’s the only thing I made. I didn’t feel like cooking anything for dinner, so we just ordered a pizza. Such is the life of a pregnant woman sometimes. I had originally planned to make a shrimp and asparagus quiche, but I had gotten the shrimp out to prepare them, and that was it, I was done. I couldn’t stand looking at them. I already had the pie crust ready to go, so I just decided to make a pie instead. I had some buttermilk that needed to be used up, so this worked perfectly. This is such an old-fashioned type of pie, and I love it. The quarter-cup of lemon juice gives it a flavor reminiscent of lemon curd, but with a tang from the buttermilk. Very nice.

Thursday
Beef Tenderloin, Sauteed Mushrooms, and Spinach Pancakes (from Around My French Table)

Steak isn’t my first choice right now. I like my steak rare. Like, really rare. This is not good for pregnant ladies. I can’t stand an over-cooked steak, but blood isn’t what pregnant ladies need. But, we’ve got all this steak in the freezer still, and I really wanted some beef. It’s good meat; even though it was over-cooked (in my opinion), it was still pretty juicy and tender. Nothing to complain about. Plus, the mushrooms were awesome, the spinach pancakes were tasty, and the overall fat content of the meal was relatively low. This was probably my favorite dinner of the week.

Although that delivery pizza was a very close second.

Up until about the middle of last week, I’d been eating a lot of spinach as part of my pre-pregnancy diet. Seriously, I was eating it 3-4 times a week. As soon as I became pregnant, I lost almost all interest in spinach – in all green vegetables, actually. I don’t even really like to look at them, and the thought of even preparing them sometimes makes me want to gag. I have found that once I do get everything prepared and cooked, I have no trouble eating it. I just don’t like looking at it!

Which explains why I put these off until yesterday. When we voted on April recipes, this was one I was looking forward to. Spinach is one of the very few leafy greens I willingly eat. The dish seemed relatively simple – a savory pancake flavored with herbs and something green. Easy and quick to make, something anyone can appreciate, pregnant or not.

In France, these little green pancakes are called farçous, and Swiss chard is the traditional green filling. They can be served as a snack, as a side dish, or as a light main meal along with a salad. Well, that last option sounded absolutely terrible to me and my uncooperative stomach (and to Geordie, who likes some meat in his meals), so I decided that these would have to be a side dish.  I served them along with some sauteed mushrooms and a nice piece of filet mignon.

These pancakes are very easy to assemble; pancakes typically are, which is one of the things that makes them so great.

Milk, eggs, flour, herbs (fresh rosemary and thyme), garlic, and spinach.

Everything but the spinach goes for a nice whirl. Once a smooth batter is formed, the spinach is added in batches until the batter is nice and green-flecked. Now, it’s time to make pancakes!

A nice hot pan, a little oil – that’s all it takes!

These cooked very quickly, so we had a nice collection of green-tinged pancakes in no time at all.

Dorie states that these are fine without much in the way of garnish or topping – and she’s right. There’s enough flavor in these little pancakes that they don’t need any boosts. But, I served them with a little sour cream anyway, just to add a little creaminess to them.

Spinach Pancakes

Perfect.

I’m really glad I made these. They smelled great while I was making them, but I still wasn’t feeling the whole spinach thing until I ate one of them. This has become pretty common for me – I spend the whole day feeling queasy and wanting to eat nothing, but as soon as I start eating, my appetite takes over and nothing is as bad as I feared it would be. I actually think these were exactly what I needed to get a little spinach into me; they’re mild but not bland, with enough flavor to be tasty without being overpowering. By themselves, they’re a bit on the light side, but they could be easily adapted go with various proteins. With a little cream cheese, they were great as a breakfast this morning!

They definitely need to be served as a side dish, though. They just don’t have what it takes to stand as a main dish, especially since they’re so adaptable to whatever protein dish might be presented. The herbs can be played with a bit; Dorie suggested parsley and chives, but I opted for rosemary and thyme, which was a great combination. Also, the topping can make a difference – we added a little BBQ sauce to our steak, and it actually went pretty well with the pancakes too! (And no, it was not an idea produced from strange pregnancy tastes – Geordie tried it before I did!)

These will be really nice to have in the fridge – when pregnancy hunger descends upon me, it hits hard, and these are handy to have when I need to put something in my stomach immediately. I get the feeling I’ll be making these again before this pregnancy is over! A nice way to trick my body into ignoring the greenery aversions and eat something healthy for a change. This week, all of my cravings have revolved around pizza heaped with cheese and fried chicken sandwiches. Comforting and delicious, perhaps, but probably not the best stuff for baby and me. Why can’t I have a craving for something healthy?

To see how the other Doristas did with their farçous, check out the French Friday links. Happy cooking!

Oh, and before I go, I must wish my husband a Happy Birthday today! Usually, I make him something special for his birthday, but this year, he really wants a good Japanese meal, so we’re going to give a local restaurant a try. Which I’m okay with, because cooking has been a little beyond my capabilities lately. Gasp! It’s just a temporary thing – once the first trimester passes, I should be feeling a bit like my old self again. I hope!

I loved sleeping because I loved dreaming because I had such power in my dreams.

That changed when I fell pregnant with Lauren. Lots of pregnant women have vivid dreams, sometimes good and sometimes bad. Sometimes they dream of their unborn child. That didn’t happen with me. I dreamed very rarely while pregnant, and they were rarely the cinematic dreams I used to have. They were snapshots or flashes of images or odd, short scenes. I had no control; I could not rewind, I could not pause or stop.

I never dreamed of Lauren. Once or twice, I dreamed of a pregnant me. None of the dreams I had were particularly bad, but they weren’t the type of dreams I was used to. I was a bystander, a spectator. Nothing more.

After Lauren died, the dreams changed again. The cinematic dreams did return, but I no longer had any control over them. I was part of the story, a character but not an author. Things happened to me, and if I didn’t like them, there was nothing I could do about it.

Most of the dreams I remember in the six months after Lauren died were not good dreams. I dreamt often of losing Geordie, in one way or another. That was natural, I suppose; I had lost my daughter, so of course I feared losing my husband. Geordie took these in stride and reassured me after all of them. Eventually, they tapered off. Since moving to Texas,I’d had a few, but only a few.

This week, I had another, the first in several months. It was not the first vivid dream of this pregnancy. I’ve already had quite a few, but this one affected me the most. It was the first one of the pregnancy that threatened a loss of Geordie. I doubt very much I’ll ever get used to such dreams.

I don’t really have any point or direction for this. I wanted to write something for today, and this was what came to mind. I have found that pregnancy is not conducive to writing for me. It’s a block. It’s hard to think about anything but being pregnant, especially in the first trimester. I can’t promise that I’ll be able to keep to my regular posting schedule. I’m going to make special effort to post on Mondays, Wednesday, Fridays, and Saturdays, but I’m not sure of anything beyond that. Hopefully, my mind will be a little more focused once I’m out of the first trimester!

But to be fully and completely honest, I don’t like being pregnant. I didn’t like it when I was pregnant with Lauren. I wanted (still want) her so terribly, and I knew motherhood would be all worth the ten months of bodily torture, but I still didn’t enjoy it. Losing Lauren was worse than enduring the pregnancy, and obviously, I’m willing to do it again. It’s just . . . pregnancy is hard.

I don’t think that can be stressed enough. I’m sure there are women out there who loved being pregnant (my own mother appears to have been one of them), but it’s hard work for most of us. It’s especially hard with the first, because no matter what you read or what you hear, you really aren’t prepared for how little control of your body you have.

And I will be the first to admit that I probably don’t have it as bad as other women do. I do have days that I’m queasy all day long and nothing sounds appetizing. But puking hasn’t been a problem, and I haven’t developed any real aversions yet. It’s early still, so there’s plenty of time for that. But I’m sure some women have daily appointments with the toilet at this stage. Or can’t eat anything but plain bread and crackers, and even that’s work.

My worst symptoms are the body aches and the fatigue. The aches come and go, but the fatigue sticks around. I’ve napped nearly every day since getting the positive pregnancy test. I’d forgotten how tired pregnancy made me. Getting to sleep at night is not usually a problem, but staying asleep can be. Aches, pains, bathroom urges, and general restlessness all combine to make for an unpleasant night. Oh, and kittens. It’s not so bad when all they want to do is cuddle up against my tummy, but that’s not all they want to do. Yuzu is in the habit of sleeping on people’s heads if he can. Mirin likes to bring her favorite toys up on the bed and try to get us to play with her. (She plays fetch with her string. It’s adorable, except when she wants to do it at three in the morning.) Most of the time, they behave themselves, and I can’t blame all my sleeping troubles on them.

Also, pregnancy brain. Some days, I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’ve done all day. My normally reliable memory goes AWOL. Today, I left the house to do my afternoon errands and completely forgot to feed the kittens their lunch. They alerted me to this grave oversight as soon as I stepped back into the house three hours later! Sorry, kittens!

Really, that’s about it. I do feel bloated and gassy, but not always. And it’s not so bad that it ruins my day. It’s just irritating sometimes. I’m trying not to dwell on it, because I know it’s only going to go downhill from here. If this pregnancy is liked Lauren’s, I’ve got hip pains, round ligament pains, sciatica, and carpal tunnel syndrome in my future. I’m just hoping leg cramps and varicose veins don’t decide to join them!

No, I do not like being pregnant, but I’m glad I’m pregnant. I’m terrified of what might happen during this pregnancy, but I’m glad I’m pregnant. We want this baby so much. We want to bring this baby home so much. I will endure whatever I have to in order to make that happen.

Oh, before I go, an update on the birth center: we’re in! I liked the place as soon as we walked through the door. It’s very homey, a very comfortable environment. The head midwife said she thought we’d be excellent candidates for giving birth there, which is a huge relief. I love the options they have in place. Both of the birthing rooms have birthing tubs and huge, comfortable beds, plus access to a birthing stool. This time around, I won’t be confined to a bed, which is what I’m most looking forward to. And if something does go wrong, they have a good working relationship with a university hospital.

This is exactly what I was hoping for with this birth. I want it to be the most positive experience it can be. Our first appointment is on the 29th, followed by an ultrasound with an independent company on the 30th. We can’t wait!

Seven weeks down, thirty-three to go!