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So, I took a break for a week while Geordie’s parents were visiting. I’m not much into doing the internet stuff when I’ve got guests. Also, it was Geordie’s vacation, so we had him at home too. We did lots of touristy stuff and took lots of pictures and ate out way too much, and we all had a good time!

Last week, I also had my first prenatal appointment and first ultrasound! The appointment with the midwives was pretty standard – a lot of talking, a lot of making sure all is healthy and good, a lot of blood-taking. The ultrasound appointment was shorter but perhaps more exciting. I can’t begin to express the relief we felt at seeing that little heartbeat. Baby is developing nicely at the moment, right on schedule. The official Estimated Due Date is December 8, which is about what I figured.

Other than that, I haven’t got much else to post at the moment. I have a couple posts from last week (namely the FFwD post for Friday) that I want to get written and posted. But that’s about it. I am starting to feel a little less yucky, but my appetite is still a bit wonked out, so I’ve been trying to stick to simple foods. And easy meals! This week’s meals don’t involve much in the way of recipes, and most of them are simple techniques I’ve done lots of times before and aren’t overly complicated. We’ll see how that works out.

Mostly, for now, I’m just trying to get back in the groove of writing. Taking a week off might be nice, but it’s not always easy getting back on track. I figure writing a little bit is better than continuing to write nothing at all! I actually have quite a few things I want to write about, it’s just getting my thoughts organized and written that’s the hard part. My stomach may be feeling better, but I still feel a little discombobulated in the head. Also, tired. Napping is pretty much a daily thing for me right now.

Anyway. That’s all for today!

Nine weeks down, thirty-one weeks to go!

I’ve spilled the beans about our rainbow baby at six weeks. I realize that most people wait to announce their pregnancies. Sometimes they wait until they have a sonogram to share. Sometimes they wait until they hear a heartbeat. Sometimes they wait until the end of the first trimester. Sometimes they wait for a “safe point.”

I didn’t want to wait, and I can give you two reasons why.

First, I don’t believe in a “safe point” anymore. Not in pregnancy, not in life. I have read the stories of so many of the babylost, and it’s taught me that it can happen at any time. One moment, all is well; the next, the world crashes down. Without much trouble, I’m sure I could find a woman who has lost a baby at any point in her pregnancy, from week 4 to week 42. And even after. Life is so fragile, it should be celebrated while it can be celebrated.

Second, I can’t maintain baby silence on this blog. We’ve known for a little over two weeks now, and it’s been driving me a little bonkers not talking about it here. This is where I vent my fears and my frustrations, where I share my hopes and dreams, where I talk out my grief so that I might stay sane amid all the deep blues and grays of my emotions. This baby – no matter how long it decides to stay – is a part of that. It’s part of the healing process. It’s also a trigger, though it’s the best kind of trigger, one of hope instead of despair.

Also, this blog is mostly about my day-to-day life. Being pregnant is too. It’s hard to think about anything but being pregnant. I don’t like the idea of censoring myself on my own blog, so I knew it would only be a matter of time before I blurted it out or dropped too many subtle hints. I have always wanted this blog to be as honest as possible; it is always what I have wanted from my writing. I don’t see much point in writing if you’re not going to be telling some kind of truth.

Ah, and I can think of a third reason: I need all the positive thoughts I can get.

Geordie and I have an amazing network of support, both in real life and online. These are people who have done their best to lift us above our grief, who at the same time know Lauren’s story and do not diminish it. I am so grateful for these people – for you readers, who read my words and know that Lauren lived and was loved, who have sent us thoughts and prayers, both for her and for the baby now growing inside me. Every little bit helps, and I am so grateful for it all.

I don’t know what the next nine months will bring. Right now, I’m still in disbelief – even though there are certainly enough symptoms to convince me that it’s true! I’m fairly certain panic, doubt, and anxiety will all be visiting in due time. So will utter amazement, sheer joy, and that most elusive feeling of all: hope.

We want so much to bring this baby home. It is, for the most part, all I can think about, but I still haven’t quite managed to convince myself that it’s true. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to, not until this baby is in my arms, happy and healthy and screaming like a banshee if necessary.

I can’t predict how this pregnancy is going to go, and I can’t predict how stable my emotions are going to be. All I know is that this space, this blog, is my outlet, and I need that. If things get crazy, just bear with me. I’m just working things out. Because once all the negative is gone, I can focus on the positive.

Today, I am pregnant. Right now, that’s all that matters.

Another weekend has passed by without me even thinking about posting on the blog. I don’t feel bad about this – just lazy. I do go to Barnes & Noble on Saturday mornings and write, so I am semi-productive. Sunday, though, I usually spend all day playing the Sims. I won’t deny it. I barely spend any time on the internet on Sunday, which would maybe be a good thing if I wasn’t still camped out in front of the computer.

I’m hoping to change this next week. I have journal-like prompts to encourage writing – I’ll use those on Sunday. On Saturday, I’m thinking about doing a quick run-down of anything I made during the week and didn’t post about. I’ve got about three unfinished posts about food that I want to share, I just haven’t gotten around to finishing them. They’re short, for the most part, and if they’re not, I can shorten them and just combine them all into one. Since cooking and baking are two things that I’m regularly doing (and enjoying – laundry and dishes are also something I do every week, but I still don’t enjoy them), I want to write about them.

That’s the thing, really. I want to write. I just find it hard to keep myself motivated.

I do have one goal in particular this week, though. I want (need) to get my scrapbooking stuff organized. As I’m pulling stuff out of the storage bins, I’m finding that everything just ends up haphazardly thrown around the upstairs sitting area. The storage bin is okay for stuff that I don’t need often (like the half-dozen or so blank scrapbooks waiting to be used), but I’d like to have everything else more accessible so I’m not having to rifle through a bin and pull out everything just to find the paper I want. That’s what I hope to get to working on this week, so that next week, I can actually sit down and do some major scrapbooking.

So, here’s another Monday where I’m trying to encourage myself to be more productive on weekends. Let’s see if this admonishment is the one that sticks!

And, because Monday is apparently cat picture posting day, here it is:

The weather has been terrible elsewhere, but it has been very nice here, so I've been opening the windows whenever possible. It never fails to provide fascination for the kittens.

The weather has been terrible elsewhere, but it has been very nice here, so I’ve been opening the windows whenever possible. It never fails to provide fascination for the kittens.

Sara

I am a daughter and a sister, a wife and a friend. I am a reader and a writer, a dreamer and a realist, a teacher and a learner. I am the mother of a baby born sleeping. I am on a journey of healing, walking a path paved with tears and grief and hope.

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