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Easter’s not really my thing. It’s nice and all, but as far as holidays celebrating the return of goodness and light are concerned, I prefer the Vernal Equinox. Easter doesn’t do much for me anymore. The egg-dying thing is great, but that’s about it. And though I do love me some Cadbury Mini-Eggs, they are not a holiday in-and-of themselves. I’m just not big on the Easter celebrating the way I was when I was a kid. Maybe in the future it’ll mean a little more.

For Easter this year, Geordie and I didn’t do much. On Saturday, we finally got around to going to the Sherwood Forest Faire, about a two-hour drive from San Antonio. Yes, it’s a Renaissance Faire type event, though it’s more of a Medieval Faire, really. The focal point is the story of Robin Hood, which I know is a big draw. For me, it’s – well, to be blunt, it’s just okay. I can’t say I’m much interested in Robin Hood tales because I’m more interested in historical accuracy. I recently finished a biography of Queen Eleanor, Duchess of Aquitaine (mother of King Richard the Lion-Hearted and Prince John), and I found that far more fascinating that any of the Robin Hood stories. Maybe because tales of Robin Hood tend to ignore the fact that Queen Eleanor served as Regent of England while Richard was off doing Crusade-y things and that the reason England was so poor during this time was because every spare cent went towards a ransom to release Richard from his captivity in Germany. John may have tried to wrest control away from the men Richard left in control of the country, but he never was much of a threat.

But I digress. The point: Robin Hood doesn’t interest me much. That said, one can ignore his presence at the Sherwood Forest Faire without having to try very hard. Thankfully.

We didn’t go in costume, because frankly, we don’t have anything costume-ish for this kind of thing. Maybe next year. I encouraged Geordie to get a kilt while we were there, but he was put off by the price. Understandable. As with many such events, everything was a little expensive, and the only thing we ended up spending money on was food and entertainment. I’ll have to find some other way to get Geordie into a kilt.

Although we didn’t stay very long (a little over three hours), we had a good time. The day started off a little cloudy, but by afternoon, the sun had come out. One of the reasons we decided to leave was that I could feel myself starting to get a sunburn. It turned out to be not so bad, but only because there was plenty of shade to be had. Again, thankfully.

So, food.

Geordie vs. the Turkey Leg.

Geordie vs. the Turkey Leg.

Geordie just had to get himself a turkey leg. The skin tasted predominately of propane, but once you got down into the meaty bit, it tasted a lot better. I had a few bites; he ate the majority of it. We also got a serving of the most onion-y tasting hummus I have ever eaten. It was pretty gross. The pita served with it was great, very soft and flavorful, but the hummus just ruined everything it touched. Ew. Still hungry, we went in search of other food and eventually found a place that sold crèpes. We had a beef-mushroom combo that was really quite tasty. For dessert, we had thought about getting a sweet crèpe but ended up with some baklava instead. Tasty. Not exactly a good example of food from 1192 A.D., but I suppose you’ve got to do what you can with what you’ve got.

We wandered around quite a bit and observed more than participated. Geordie did try his hand at axe-throwing and failed pretty miserably. Poor guy. He consoled himself with some mead, which was actually quite tasty (don’t worry, I only took a sip, enough to judge that it was more honey than anything else).

We watched the “Third Annual Combat Tournament of Sherwood,” which was had plenty of adult humor to go with its violence. But it was fairly enjoyable, being well-performed and quite amusing.

combattournie

Finally, we enjoyed that manliest of Faire events, the joust. I’ll be honest, sometimes it’s fun to do things just because I’m with Geordie. I’m a very low-key spectator. Geordie is not. Geordie gets actively involved, which is both awesome and adorable. I love it when he enjoys himself. I did enjoy the joust too – a lot of fun to watch, and one can’t help but be impressed by these guys, because this is their job and none of it looks easy. Especially on a hot and sunny day.

Our section cheered for Sir William, in the red and gold.

Our section cheered for Sir William, in the red and gold.

The second pass, in which the opposing knight broke his lance upon Sir William and moved himself into the point lead.

The second pass, in which the opposing knight broke his lance upon Sir William and moved himself into the point lead.

The fourth and final pass, in which Sir William unseated his opponent, thus capturing victory for himself!

The fourth and final pass, in which Sir William unseated his opponent, thus capturing victory for himself!

Compared to Saturday, we spent Sunday pretty quietly, which was fine by us. All in all, it was an enjoyable Easter weekend, and we had no complaints.

So, yeah, that’s it. I’m ending this kind of abruptly, but I don’t really have anything else to say. Happy April, folks!

Before moving to Texas, I would have said that freezing temperatures and snow were my least favorite weather.

It turns out I was wrong, because since moving to Texas, I have witnessed the most infuriating winds. I hate these winds. I hate them so passionately that it scares me at times. Sustained winds of 15 mph or more, gusts up to 40 mph or more. On Monday, we had sustained winds of up to 23 mph. There were isolated gusts up to 70 mph.

It’s not that I’m a stranger to wind. I spent much of my life in Florida, where winds meant storms, and storms were commonplace. These winds sometimes made me a little nervous, but I never hated them. They didn’t cause me any stress. I understood them, knew what they were all about.

Then I moved to Japan and experienced an entirely different wind. The karakaze (the “empty wind”) blows through Gunma in the winter, a strong wind so dry and so cold. I rode my bicycle to work, but not on days that the karakaze blew, because it was impossible. It was a struggle even to walk. And almost always, those days would be clear, sunny, bright. In Moriya, the city where I lived longest in Japan, there were also strong winds in the weeks preceding spring, but none quite like the karakaze.

I did not hate the karakaze. I considered it a nuisance, and I did not welcome it. At least it was not like the typhoons, destructive and accompanied by rain – but then, the typhoon winds were familiar to me. They were kin to the storm winds of Florida, brutal but never overly sinister. I never hated them either.

But this Texas wind, this wind that tears through the city – there is nothing familiar about it. It is not a companion of old; it is a tyrant, and I hate it. The Monday wind was the worst it has ever been. It loosened the sections of fence that had not been broken over Christmas. It ripped away patches of roofing paper, leaving more to beat against the roof even when the wind is not howling.

Today, a whisper of it is back. But even a whisper is enough. The unrepaired roof pounds at itself like a drum. The fence bends forward where it has come loose, threatening to break free if pushed too hard. Leaves from the churchyard behind our house swirl down into our yard, then back out again, carried away without thought. No birds take to the sky. If they do, they make little headway. The wind itself is loud, whooshing as it goes, leaving everything groaning and moaning in its wake.

And I hate it.

I know what has happened between now and then, and it’s so hard to explain. How can losing my daughter cause me to hate something as common as the wind?

I know also that it’s no good to worry about something I can’t control, and the weather certainly falls into that category. But even if I can’t control it, I have to deal with it. I have to deal with the damage it causes, with the madness it inspires as it shrieks around me.

And I must deal with the powerlessness it inspires.

I had thought that I was used to feeling powerless. That’s something else that comes with being one of the babylost. Control means nothing. But I have come to hate feeling powerless. I have grown so tired of feeling powerless. And here comes this tyrant wind again to remind me that power is nothing that I can claim. I have not chosen to give up control; it was never mine to begin with.

Must the feeling of being in control always be an illusion?

I can’t even control with the repairs will be made; that too is left in someone else’s hands. What can I do but sit and watch, powerless, as the wind thrashes around me and destroys that which I consider – for a time, anyway – to be in my care? This wind drives all sense of focus from me – all I can think of is what it’s doing and how helpless I am to do anything about it.

And I hate the control it has over me.

I hate that I hate feeling so powerless. I can’t let it go. I hate being at the mercy of this world, because it has no mercy.

That is what the tyrant wind tells me. That I can not stop it – or anything else – from taking that which I love. It reminds me that power is not mine.

And I hate it, because it speaks truth.

Hope is all I have. And even when the tyrant wind blows, hope whispers its message. It’s so hard to hear it. But I know that, when the wind stops, hope will still be there. The wind cannot blow that away.

Hope, too, speaks the truth. Power comes in different forms, varying degrees. To withstand the wind, to wait it out, to endure it – that is power of a kind.

When the wind is passed, hope will still be here. I will still be here. Weathered and worn, perhaps, but still here. Ready to pick up the pieces and put them back together and keep going.

Always, keep going.

Finally, February is coming to a close. It wasn’t a terrible month, but I’m glad it’s coming to an end. I’m ready for spring.

Last week was a bit of a busy one, as most 4-day weeks are. I got the car inspected and registered for Texas, which was the last thing to do before getting my Texas driver’s license. I intend to try to get that done on Friday.

Yuzu is recovering from a kitty-cold. He started sneezing on Wednesday – cute little kitten sneezes that always seemed to surprise him. It hasn’t slowed him down much, and it hasn’t turned him into too much of a snot monster, so it doesn’t seem to be serious. He’s not sneezing as much today, so I’m hoping he’s getting over it. Mirin has showed no signs of having caught it; we’ll see if that lasts.

We got our tax refund, which will allow us to do a few things that need to be done – namely, painting the room that will (with any luck) become a nursery in time. At the moment, it is a most brilliant hot pink color. I thought I had a picture of it, but there doesn’t seem to be one on my computer. Maybe Geordie has one. Anyway, it’s pink. And not a soft, girly pink but an in-your-face pink. It’s aggressively pink. We wouldn’t have rented the house if the landlord hadn’t given permission to paint over all that pink (did I mention the baseboards are black?)

So, we’ve been talking about what colors we want in the room. At the moment, we’ve agreed on a light green as the main color, with orange and yellow as accenting colors. We’re not 100% sure yet. We do know for certain that we want colors that are bright but still soothing and that are gender neutral.

And to close the post, here is a picture of a kitten. I was finally able to move the living room litter box into the foyer, which lest us with an open space, so we decided to get another scratching post/tower toy for the kittens (because they still like to use the couch every so often). It has a nice bed on top, which is a bonus. Mirin has pretty much claimed it for herself.

mirinsbed

Sara

I am a daughter and a sister, a wife and a friend. I am a reader and a writer, a dreamer and a realist, a teacher and a learner. I am the mother of a baby born sleeping. I am on a journey of healing, walking a path paved with tears and grief and hope.

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what I've been reading

I Still Dream About You
The Nasty Bits: Collected Varietal Cuts, Usable Trim, Scraps, and Bones
The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats
The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
Baking with Julia: Sift, Knead, Flute, Flour, And Savor...
Beyond the Body Farm: A Legendary Bone Detective Explores Murders, Mysteries, and the Revolution in Forensic Science



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