Let’s start with the obvious: not everything goes the way you want it to. Or even the way you expect it to. Some people like that unpredictability, they thrive on it. These people are a special sort of crazy.

I live my life not knowing what to expect. At times, I am timid. At times, I am afraid. At times, I just don’t care. It hasn’t always been that way. It’s another effect of having lost a baby. I┬ádidn’t know what to expect from living with a child, but I never expected that I would have to deal with a life without her. Nothing prepares you for that.

Nearly six months after returning to the States, things haven’t changed much for Geordie and me. Still no jobs, still no place of our own, still no set plan for the future. We’re not even sure how long we’ll be staying in Massachusetts now.

Initially, we had been planning to return to Florida some time this week. This was because Geordie had been offered a job in the Orlando area. We were still waiting for some of the job details (including salary and benefits), but because the job didn’t start until May, we figured we would have time to visit around in Massachusetts. As it turns out, we have plenty of time, because the position has been put on hold. Indefinitely. With no guarantee that they still want Geordie for the job.

So, we’re back to square one. Geordie had finally had a chance to stop job-hunting – now he’s back to it. Instead of taking a step forward, it’s like we’ve gone backwards.

Last week was a tough week. While it’s nice that we’ll have more time here with Geordie’s family and friends, all I want is to be settled in our own place and to move on with our life together. I want my stuff: my computer, my scrapbooking supplies, the pieces of Lauren’s quilt that still have so much work left on them. I want my own space to work on my own projects.

I’m tired. I’m tired of waiting, tired of nothing going the way I want it to go, tired of having no place of our own, tired of having to put our lives on hold.

I’m just tired.

About these ads